Unhinged

As I sit in my bedroom in Ohio, it's hard to imagine I'm going to be leaving just five days from now.  Sure, the big pile of stuff in the corner would suggest as much, but it's still a bit surreal.  For the past seven months, I have worked harder than I knew I could.  I have surrendered more than I thought I should.  All in all, it has been God's grace that has brought me to this point.  Only the Lord could take a broken, isolated heart, and make it new (RELATED: No Longer Stuck in Motion).  At times, I haven't truly believed it was possible.

But now I'm getting ready to return to college and run DI cross country.  I'm healthier than I have been in over four years.  I am so excited to take on Butler with the joy of the Lord- run with all my heart, make friends and study hard!  

Me at the fair last week (P.C: Heather Dugan)

I'm not naive enough to think it'll be a simple transition, but I've set up the accountability I need to be successful in this step.  And when the enemy tells me that I will be lonely or fail or spiral downward, I remind Him that God has given me wisdom in these seven months.  I remind Him that I have been freed from my chains, and I am moving forward from all that was.  I remind Him that God has already gone before me, and is preparing the way.  And then, I remind myself.

Sometimes, we get so hooked on the ordinary that we stop listening to the voice of God.  We think we have it all figured out and don't need or want anyone else's help.  That's where I was last year, that's where I'd been for most of my life.  But that's not sustainable.  We all need love.  We need grace and mercy and freedom.  This time at home has allowed me to listen to the voice of God and realize that my "ordinary" was killing me, and that the things God wants for my lift are even better than I can imagine (Ephesians 3:20).

So this is me, unhinged.  Unhinged from an eating disorder, unhinged from what has become comfortable, unhinged from fear and unhinged from isolation.  This is me proclaiming the glory of the Lord as I head back to Butler, a new person entirely.  I'm still on the road to recovery, but I look forward with hope because I know where I've been and I know just how powerful God is, to have brought me out of that place.  All I need to do is listen for His voice to guide me.

In all honesty, that's all we can ever do.  Hard work and planning certainly have their place, but when it comes to issues of the heart: Only He can provide the answers, motivation and plan that we need.  I hope this isn't just a dismissible rant.  I hope it serves as a testimony of the goodness of God.  I will be praying for all of you, that you too may tune your ear to hear more of God and less of your own fear and condemnation.  I would also appreciate your prayers for me: That I may continue in transparency, drawing nearer and nearer to God, and letting Him lead me to freedom.

We are all on this journey together, and for that: I am most grateful.

Love,
Hannah