When in Chicago: Don't forget to get lost

I first visited Chicago as a wide-eyed six year old, intent on visiting the American Girl store and dining at the Rainforest Café.  But Kit Kittredge is packed away in a box, and animal-themed dining didn't seem as appealing when I set off for Chicago last weekend.  I boarded the Megabus with anticipation of the Latino Film Festival as well plans for what I could do with my free time.  This was the first time I'd voyaged to the windy city without my family in tow, and it was somewhat liberating to set my own agenda.

While I loved previous visits to Shedd Aquarium and boat tours along the lakeside, I had more inexpensive activities in mind....namely: I would explore the city at random.

Given my type-A nature, this was both invigorating and terrifying, but here's what happened:


1. I learned my way around!
Here's the fantastic thing: When you get lost enough times, you eventually map out your surroundings.  Even better, you get to see so many different places then you would if you just followed Google Maps like every other tourist.  I can't say I didn't sheepishly peer at street signs, but I can say that I gained confidence as a navigator and adventurer.  Long live spontaneous exploration!

2. I found an awesome tea store and book store

I saw this in a gift store.
It is 100% accurate to my life.

I'm a bit quirky- no qualms with that- so while my classmates were ogling at Armani bags and $500 tank tops, I wandered into Adagio teas and fell in love.  The shelves were lined with loose leaf teas, and the saleslady encouraged me to pick up the jars of tea and smell them.  "If there are any that catch your eye, I'll make a sample for you!"  I suppressed my inner tea nerd and merely nodded, all while trying to contain my excitement.  All the prices were listed by the jars and no one pressured me to buy anything.  They were genuinely friendly and their tea was incredible.  I walked out with a sample of verbena green tea and some almond mocha oolong tea.

As if that wasn't good enough, I then made my way down to a bookstore.  I'd had enough stimulation for one day and couldn't think of anywhere I'd rather spend my time than a used bookstore called After-Words, with a basement boasting 70,000 books.  The shop owner was just as quirky as I'd hoped and the books just as eclectic.  I was overwhelmed at my option, but prudently made a selection and handed over my $4 with elation.  "This place is awesome," I raved to the shop owner.  He made some corny joke about Butler and I made some awkward smile and walked out.

3. The Latino Film Festival was amazing!
I was wary of a few of the films that we were scheduled to see.  One in particular seemed a bit more "adult" than I cared for.  Sure enough, I spent most of the movie carefully inspecting the hem of my shorts.  But the second movie more than made up for the first.   "Espejuelos Oscuros/Dark Glasses" was a thought provoking and disturbing portrayal of the secret stories we all carry.

4. I stepped out of my comfort zone
Besides literally stepping out of my comfort zone by meandering around the city, I also faced the challenge of traveling without any real friend/family member.  That brought the added testing of sitting on the bus and eating meals out at restaurants with these people-- both of which are a strong source of anxiety due as I recovery from an eating disorder.  While the weekend was not without its blunders, I was encouraged at my ability to handle the situations.  I know I would not have been able to do so at this time last year, and for that I praise God.  As my dad gingerly reminded me, these challenges are good because they help me embrace my freedom and break out of my little "safe box" of recovery.  And as difficult as aspects of the trip were, I know that the next time I come across those same struggles, it will be just a little bit easier.  That makes the effort absolutely worth it.

The greenhouse at Nay Pier

Dylan's Candy Shop on Michigan Avenue.
It's a wonderland of candy and treats!

Tapas at Café Iberico! A challenging, new
experience for me!

Adagio Tea.  Basically Heaven.

 Much like my blog, my weekend in Chicago was a series of spontaneous adventures, augmented by familiar comforts and the constant presence of the Lord's grace.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.  So then next time you're in Chicago, run along the lakeside and take in the views at Navy Pier (RELATED: Girls' Weekend in Chicago). Stop by Adagio Tea and The Chicago Tribune and Café Iberico, and- seriously- don't forget to get lost in the wonder of it all.

Love,
Hannah

To read about more suggestions for your next Chicago adventure, click HERE and HERE.

Stories from Chicago

This post was supposed to be written on Thursday.  I would've opened with a description of my current surroundings on the Megabus, bound for Chicago.  Alas, you get what you pay for, and the bus was far too crowded to pull out my laptop, let alone focus.

Amidst the reverberating rap music and details on insurance claims, I stole a few minutes of sleep before a high-pitched squeal indicated that we had reached the Windy City.  The short nap would be enough for fuel me through the first evening of the Latino Film Festival, the wonderful reason for my short weekend adventure.  I had come with my Spanish class to witness the 32nd annual celebration of Latino culture through filmmaking, something I would never have pictured myself doing in the past.

Sure, I love Spanish-- emphasis on the 'love'-- but I often let caution take the reigns, and the idea of going to Chicago with classmates I didn't know that well, would've terrified my in the past.  But with an air of confidence, I descended from that Megabus, gracefully tripping on the curb as is my custom.  Since the movie was not until 9 p.m., I had a few hours to kill and I immediately took off for the Magnificent Mile with some girls from class.  We checked out a few shops, but my attention was waning due to relative disinterest and sticker shock.  I broke from the group and meandered into the more eclectic shops.  Before long, I had inevitably turned the wrong way.  And in the process of passing by four Starbucks, two cathedrals and a myriad of school children, I was stopped in my tracks by the beauty of humanity.

The city has a way of doing that, with it's crowded streets and honking horns.  It brought my heart to a stop as I thought about all the lives that stacked into those skyscrapers and hurried through the streets.  I tried to imagine their stories, the reasons for their quirky outfits or kind eyes or worried glances.

The collective mural of faces still resonated with me that evening as we settled in for the first film.  This story was one of family, one that was torn apart by vain passions and pursuits.  And even as the action played out, I found it hard to watch. I abhorred the egotistical son and couldn't stand the lackluster husband, and I grew tired of their story.

But how beautiful it is that the Lord does not grow weary of our struggles.  Unlike us, His divine grace pours out time after time, chapter after chapter.  For me, this plays out very clearly in the way He called the disciples.  One by one, He slipped into their story and took root in their lives.  And as each of them doubted Him, failed Him and betrayed Him, He remained invested in their story.

And how beautiful, indeed, that He is invested in your story as well.  Your scene might be dismal and your countenance may be worn, but Jesus has never left your side, my friend.  He never grows weary of your struggles for He is strong to save, mighty to deliver and close to your aching heart.

So whatever borough of the city you find yourself in today, remember that the Author of your story not only has a plan for good, but He is invested in you every step of the day.  And one day, every plot twist and heartbreak of your story will culminate as praise, flanked by every story of mankind.  And every story that ever was, will lift up the Lord who always is, and what a beautiful day that will be.

Love,
Hannah ♥

Ps. Stay tuned as I roll out more posts about the fun stuff from my trip, as well as what I'm up to next!  As always: I love to read your comments and suggestions :)

The Timeline of God's Goodness in Your Life

Well, I'm officially 21, but-- in full disclosure-- I still play on playgrounds and cuddle with stuffed animals.  I've yet to drink alcohol and I know squat about doing taxes.  So, I'd be hard pressed to tell you what magical transformation actually occurred on Friday to make me an "official adult"  (I'll report back on that one).  What I do know, however, is that I am incredibly blessed to have 21 years under my belt. 

 My parents say that I first entered the world screaming my head off.  I was probably upset that my comfort and stability had been jostled by this thing we call life, and I've been Type A ever since.  But Type A is discipline and order.  Type A is NOT regulations and rituals, restrictions and isolation.  That came on the tail end of divorce (and if you haven't yet heard my testimony, I encourage you to read about God's goodness HERE).  

 

In our segmented little lives, we often miss the timeline of God's goodness.  For me, this birthday acted like a virtual time capsule, a reminder of where I've come from and where I'm going.  See, I spent my last birthday in treatment for an eating disorder that had ravaged my life.  I couldn't fathom sitting down with friends or eating a brownie or relaxing.  But God works in the anguish of our souls.  He lifts us from the pit into the light of day.  At 21 years-old, I'm experiencing that light for the first time.

I've recently been reading about the life of Jacob in Genesis, and boy, is it a story of struggle I can really resonate with  All through his life, Jacob kept trying to manipulate things for his own good fortune.  Heck, he even fought with his brother in the womb (Genesis 25:22).  He tricked his father into blessing him with his brother's birthright and later in life, he slept with his wive's servant in order to have a son.  He was living like a desperate soul with no maker.  And it begs the question: Why?  Despite a blessing from God, clear provision and even a angelic dream from the big man himself, Jacob couldn't grasp the knowledge that God is for us. 

See, all through Jacob's life-- in spite of Jacob's own thwarted efforts-- God upheld His end of the deal.  He blessed Jacob abundantly and He kept His promises.  

That same character of God is true for you and for me.  Wherever you started: God was there.  And from the moment of creation, He has been actively pursuing you in order to give you what satisfies you most, namely: Him.  I've been amazed this week at just how far God has brought me and how faithful He has been in my journey to restored freedom.  I'm approaching a year of being at a restored weight, and I can't help but fall on my face in the presence of the Lord's goodness that never ends.
And Jacob?  Well, He struggled his way into a wrestling match with God.  A crippled hip stayed a reminder for the rest of his years, that God is good and faithful.  As Frederick Buechner said, it was "a magnificent defeat of the human soul at the hands of God"  (The Magnificent Defeat).

Amen.  I pray that your soul and mine will be crushed by the realization of who our God truly is.  He is faithful and His goodness flows deeper than our sin (RELATED: Peace Like a River).  And THAT leaves me awestruck (RELATED: An Awestruck 2016).

I'd love to hear about the timeline of God's goodness in your life.  Comment below or send me an email at hh12995@gmail.com.  Be blessed!

Love,
Hannah

What I Wish They New

"I ate so much yesterday, that I'm not going to eat much today."

Thus went my conversation with someone last week.  I say conversation, but it was really just a nod from me as I tried to block out the influx of anxiety that was flooding into my body at that very moment.

Most people know my story.  I'm open about it, and that transparency is very deliberate.  However, I still feel like there is such a misunderstanding about eating disorders and the recovery process.  A lot of the time, people either view me as "the eating disorder girl" or they forget that aspect of my life completely and expect me to fully immerse myself in the normalcy of life.  As if eating dinner was just eating dinner.

And that's what I've been struggling with lately: The pain of feeling alone when everyone thinks life is perfect again.  In full disclosure, I am actively in recovery and not relapsing.  I'm not writing this as a covert call for help, but it has been really tough lately and it does feel like everyone just expects me to "be better."  So what happens then?  What happens when the world forgets?

At the risk of sounding whiney, I must confess that it feels that way this week.  It feels that way when people say triggering things about weight and food.  It feels that way when no one asks me how I'm doing or what is going on in my heart.  It also feels that way when I hear the ever-looming "average recovery time," ticking like an obnoxious clock.

But as I vent on my own struggles, I realize that I'm surely not the only one feeling forgotten.  There must be others just like me who are walking through trials and have little outward indication of their inner battles.  And I want to be someone who can detect and search through the outer layers to comfort the heart of others.  That is what I want for myself, and it's what I long to give others.

See, no trial in life is merely erased when the physical realm is washed anew.  The roots of heartache and pain are gingerly pulled, and the fighter often forgoes the healing process alone because nobody sees.

My personal message here is clear:  Healing from an eating disorder takes time.  If you are supporting someone or are going through recovery yourself, remember this crucial nugget of wisdom.  It is a long term process.  Those in recovery are pursuing a life away from the eating disorder, but that doesn't mean it's not a constant threat.  Outward serenity doesn't mean that someone in recovery doesn't need your support anymore.

But this post has a larger message than just my own struggles lately.

In reality, I'm trying to extend a message of human kindness, encouraging us all to look after each others' hearts.  We may not know the extent of each other's brokenness, but we owe it to each other to find out.  That is part of our beautiful humanity.  We are all needing love, and while I believe that Christ alone satisfies us, we were created to be in community.  We need each other.

As I reflect on my own struggles with loneliness and recovery battles, I realize that others around me feel that same desire to have support.  Lets commit to trusting God to bring the right supporters alongside us, and lets turn our focus to the pain in others that we know all too well.

In Awe: Blessed By The Journey

After arriving back at Butler this evening, I spent an exorbitant amount of time organizing everything I own.  I (sadly) packed up my Christmas decorations, reorganized my closet and drawers and cleaned my room.  And as I was putting away my coats, I found a little note tucked in my pocket, that made me tear up with thoughts of home.  Yet, I was smiling all the same, because my heart is healthy and happy tonight.  Sure, life isn't perfect and I'm injured and I'm still actively in recovery.  All those things are true.  But what's also true is that I am in a much better place than I've ever been, and I think my family knows that too. (RELATED: Roadblocks (?))

What better way to start of An Awestruck 2016, than to think of what God has done since this time last year.  See, last year I was firm as concrete that I would stay "a week or so" longer at home, in order to do a short stint in recovery and go back to school.  That was my plan.  Two weeks turned into about ten weeks and I'm grateful to God that His plan is sovereign. (RELATED: NEDA Awareness Post #4: Recovery Takes a While)

That was what I needed.  I needed nourished in my body and in my soul.  I needed help.  I needed constant love and support, encouragement to keep pressing on.  Essentially, I needed to learn how to live again, and that doesn't coincide very well with the demanding schedule of a college student.  So I returned to Butler, only to pack up my room and retrieve my belongings.  And I was filled with such shame. (RELATED: Tear the Walls Down and Start Planting)

But here's the thing: The Lord works in all circumstances, and I already see this past year as the most rewarding year of my life, even though I don't believe the harvest period has even come yet.  In that humble place, I learned to be desperate-- and that is one of the most crucial lessons mankind can learn.  For when we are truly desperate, we learn what we need and what is frivolous; and in our desperation we find what matters.  I already knew God was the most important in my life, but I wasn't awestruck with Him.  I was just holding on for dear life.

It's crazy what a year can do, and at the same time it's not.  I know how much hard work has gone into this year-- both by myself and all those who've supported me.  But my hard work pales in comparison to the tsunami of God that has washed over the old Hannah.  He has worked His way into the bitterness and fear, the control and anxiety.  Forgiveness comes easier, panic attacks are lesser and I am more flexible with my life and my activity level.  

And it's all because of the Lord.

It's a testimony to His goodness, and not my own.  His plan is sovereign and the more He opens my eyes to what He is doing, the more I am in awe of the grace and love that pursue me.  Praise God! (RELATED: When God Gives you $20 and You Complain)

This next semester of school is a brand new adventure, one I wasn't able to embark on last year.  So I eagerly anticipate the joys and stresses that await me these next few months.  I'm ready to be even more awestruck by my God.  

I know that as I lean in closer to Him, He will become clearer.  Those chains of the past will become remnants of a girl I knew long ago.  The same can be true for you today, and I pray that our hearts will draw nearer to the Lord this year as we embark on our 2016 adventure together.  

Love,
Hannah

25 Days of Christmas Kindness: Part 2

8: I haven't had this bad of a day since I first started treatment last winter.  I was on the verge of a panic attack, severely lacking in sleep and extremely discouraged.  I was able to talk with my dad though and he encouraged me to do something with my other gifts instead of lament that I cannot run right now.  So I texted a good friend a message about my gratitude and thankfulness for her.  I still felt like I was falling apart by the time my head hit the pillow, but my heart was more at ease that I at least made it through the day.

9: Unfortunately, stress took over and I didn't go out of my way to help anyone.  Bad Hannah! :(

10: God put something right in front of me that I could do for someone else.  It just happened to be extremely undesirable.  It was a great chance to get my heart focused in the right place, but I struggled with not being bitter about it afterwards.

11: I had a similar opportunity to yesterdays', only today: I totally blew it.  I got mad about it and voiced my disgust that I had to do said "chore" in the first place.....not a good representation of Christ.  Thankfully, I was able to make things right after the fact.

12: Today was another "cheat" day, where my act of kindness was a prearranged gathering.  However, it was still really neat to do and I enjoyed finding something that someone else would particularly like.

13: Sunday was hard.  I figured it would be easier after the pastor's sermon recapping our series in Romans; the message really resonated with me.  But, I found myself late into the evening without any deliberate act of kindness.  So, I chose to use the digital world for my kindness of the day. My heart wasn't in it though.  I think I kind of expected to get kindness back, and that was my main motivation.  I'm glad God showed me that, though.  Definitely something I need to work on.

14: This was a hard day for me.  A really hard day.  I tried to encourage other people, because that's my go-to when I feel extremely discouraged.  But it was a short trip to a record store, Christmas shopping with friends that cheered me up.  My friends were there when I received some really bad news, and I was amazed at the love and support they gave.  I felt so grateful for that kindness.  So, perhaps today was a receiving day...I'm learning that those are really necessary as well.  :)

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If you're new to my blog or this particular series, check out Part 1, HERE.  Stay tuned for next week's post.  Merry Christmas!

Love,
Hannah

25 Days of Christmas Kindness: Part 1

I'm starting a series of Christmas giving.  Each day I will go out of my way to help someone else.  The point isn't to talk about the "good things" I'm doing, so for most days, I will leave that out.  Rather, I'll focus on my heart attitude surrounding that day's act of kindness.  I think it's time I put less focus on the ABC Family "25 Days of Christmas" and more focus on sharing Christ's love this season.  So I'll be posting roughly every week and I hope you'll consider taking the challenge with me.  Get a notebook or start a Word doc. and see what God does in your heart this season.  Merry Christmas and enjoy reading about my 25 Days of Christmas Kindness:

1: Ok, I just made this commitment.  I should probably stick to it.  But I am so tired....Alright, I gave someone grace in a little thing they did that bothered me.  Does that count as a "good deed?"  Can it please count?  I'm so stressed.

2: Today, I gave someone permission to use something of mine and definitely had a hard time following through with it.  I keep wanted to rescind that offer and it's only been a few hours.  I definitely need to keep my mind fixed on Christ with this one-- my fleshly nature is screaming "be selfish!"

3: It's only the third day and I already failed my challenge.  I don't remember going out of my way to specifically help someone on this day.  It's a good wakeup call regarding my own intentions and how I spend my time.  It's easy to get stressed out about my final exams-- which was the case on this day, when I had miniscule "free" time all day-- and forget that if I'm that stressed, other people must be feeling that way too!  I need to get outside my own little world.

4:  Didn't do anything this day...I'm starting to think I'm not very good at this "selfless giving" thing.

5: Today was good, it was from the heart and I felt really good about it.  I learned that a small gesture goes a long way,  and everyone loves a good cup of tea :)

6: Ok, this was by far the most fun act of giving yet.  All the Butler athletes wrapped up shoebox gifts for local children.  It was so enjoyable to do, but it also made me wonder how much of my selfless acts I've been doing for other reasons.  Whether it be "fun" or to feel good about ourselves, it's so easy to get away from the real motivation to show love towards others.

7: Mondays are rough, really rough.  But I set myself a reminder to go out of my way to help someone, and I was able to do so by encouraging a friend by listening to their struggles, even when I really didn't want to.  I can't imagine how Jesus listens intently to the trials and pains of everyone in the world, but I wanted to have His heart as I related to my friend.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I could blame exams or my cold or my injury, but the truth is: This week showed me that my heart is quick to focus on myself and in need of a spiritual tune-up.  My struggles should be motivating me to love others even more, because I know how difficult things might be for them.  I'm really appreciating this 25 days already!  Check out the next week's segment (part 2) HERE.

Love,
Hannah



(RELATED: Gift Ideas for Runners)

When the Trials Keep Coming

Sometimes, you're 20 years old and it feels like the world is falling apart.  And you're not quite sure how you got there, but you tuck your knees in and brace for the brokenness of your own humanity.

Sometimes, when you're 20 and your world's falling apart, you listen to praise-and-worship music and watch funny cat videos.  But the pain doesn't cease and you just want to cry until your head doesn't hurt and your heart doesn't ache.

You want to shake the nausea that is sweeping over you, because you feel helpless and tiny and scared.  You want to be nourished with hugs, fed with hope.  You want tangible love.  Most of all: You want to be okay with the radical spinning out of control.  But you're not.

Because, when you're twenty and it feels like your world's falling apart, you want a big hug from daddy and the comfort of your stuffed bunny.  You want to steal back the innocence, make the constant motion stop.

Don't lost hope.

I know you wonder how you can survive.  You wonder how a life filled with such sorrow can be endured.  Surely we humans cannot withstand the magnitude of pain that sometimes engulfs our hearts.  By what strength can you raise your head when you feel so crushed?

I ask these questions because I know how it feels.  I know the feeling of despair at my own failure.  I know the fear of backsliding to where I once was.  I know the bitterness and loneliness and self-pity and desolation.

I know the overwhelming dread of the weight of sin-- dread because the eye can see its power.  And we cringe at its possibility.  In my 20 years, I've been bound by enough shackles to confine thousands.  And I don't want to go back.  And I know I'm not the only one with that fear welling up in my heart.  I know I'm not the only one who is going after trial through trial, pushed to the limit.  I'm not naive enough to think I'm the only one.

But, my friends, we cannot give up.  We cannot cut ourselves off from the world and lament in the darkness.

We 20 year olds are the generation the Lord is raising up to change the world.  We are beacons of hope, as dimly lit as we are.  Even if your candle is but a lick of a flame, you still illuminate the darkness around you.

This dread of sin and pain of the moment does not compare to the future glory that is in Christ Jesus.  And that glory floods us even now.  Now, when the trials come back to back like winds of a roaring hurricane. Now, when 20 years old feels like a small blip, from which you have nothing to show for.

The nausea will pass.  The pain will subside.  You will- eventually- stop crying.

Your body will be healed and your spirit will be mended, all in the Lord's timing.

When you're 20 years old and it feels like your world is falling apart, there's no choice but to press on.  You are a warrior child, one who does not give up in the battle- not because of YOUR strength, but because of His.  So embrace your brokenness, but look to the Healer.  Look to Him, because He will come riding in and comfort your soul in all things.

Grab your stuffed bunny, call home and strengthen your resolve.  As low and as dark as it may seem, you will see light of day and your little candle will keep shining in the meantime.
(RELATED: The Waiting Game)


Love,
Hannah

When God Gives you $20 and You Complain

Devoid of any particular positivity this morning, I wandered around campus with my head down.  I didn't hesitate to smile up at others, and yet: My heart has been quite downcast since I first woke up at 6:30 this morning.

And so flipped on my music.  I read my devotional and I tried not to panic at this unnerving feeling.  This feeling of dread, much mores substantial than warranted by a typical Monday.  I reminded myself of all God has been showing me lately, how He has been weeding out the fear in my life and drawing me nearer to His arms.  But the fear of athletic mediocrity; the fear of failure; the ache of rejection, all hit me hard as I tried to press in to the Father.  The pain I feel is notably trivial in the long run, but it has such a powerful, daunting presence in the moment, washing over me like waves.

Because the fear of failure cuts deep...

and the pain of rejection lies subtly in the depths, shadowing our hopes and dreams with its lies.


I smiled at a driver, feeling a tinge of guilt that my years of acting experience allow me to fake out the world with such ease.  And then, I saw it.  Crumpled up in the parking lot,  lay a $20 bill.  I didn't see anyone nearby who it might belong to, so I picked it up gingerly and felt the worn paper in my hands. I was a little irked, to be honest.  Why was God giving me money, I had asked for His presence, not a quick cash donation.  How the heck was $20 supposed to "sooth my soul?!"

And yet, I began to think about what I could do with the money.  After all, I hadn't been craving $20, so I wouldn't miss it if I just gave it away.  I wondered: "How I could bless someone else with this gift that I hadn't deserved?" I tend to overanalyze things, so I began concocting the plan that would bring about the most glory for God-- silly, right?  But I wanted to give the money to the person who would get the most joy out of it.  I wanted to make the absolute best choice.  There were too many possibilities!

Then, the Spirit reminded me: "I've given you the money, don't you think I will use it for my maximum glory?  Don't you trust that I can do that?"

And even as I began to question why God would've given me $20 when I'd been asking for His presence, it all made sense:  My gift of running-- or gift of anything, really-- is from Him. (RELATED: My Running Motto) He desires to use those gifts, to grow them and expand them for the kingdom.  But we so often forget that we can trust Him to bring those gifts to fruition, thinking that we need to pray and plead and work hard to make it happen ourselves.  That's not how God works.  When God prints money, He has a plan.  He doesn't just dole out His $20 dollar bills and hope that we stumble upon a worthy cause for His money.  No.  The money He gives-- the gifts He bestows-- are guided by His hand.

If the Lord has given you a gift of athleticism or "mad brain skills" or financial stability or anything of the sort, He has done so for a reason and is going to develop those gifts and talents as you surrender to Him.

God's economy is authored by grace, but it isn't lackadaisical.

Perhaps you are feeling disheartened and discouraged today, overwhelmed at what looms ahead.  I encourage you to meditate on Matthew 25:14-30 and the truth I've offered up in this post.  You aren't abandoned or unwanted, and neither are the gifts the Father has bestowed upon you.  Take heart and press on.

Love,
Hannah

~

My Aim

My aim is not to prove everyone wrong and to proudly triumph. Rather, my aim is to prove worthy the gospel of Jesus Christ, He who has already triumphed and is drawing me closer day after day.

Sometimes my pride gets in the way and I forget this.  I used to think "Wow, my life is going to make a good movie someday!"  No joke: I used to imagine it frequently-- more so after I saw movies like "Chariot's Of Fire" and "Unbreakable".

But I don't want to be just another face, another self-infatuated human on an earth of self-infatuation.  I'm so sick of myself sometimes.

This started out as a Facebook post that got too wordy, and had too much substance.   So...here is goes:

Worthiness has been on my mind a lot lately, both my own worthiness and that of society at large.  For the past year of my life, I've been really focused on me, because when your life is on the brink of collapse, you have to focus on the fundamentals.  You have to focus on just breathing.  And now, I believe that time is coming to a close, because I am more alive than ever and I can devote myself to more than just anorexia recovery.


But I find myself turning inward because of the biggest thing that haunts humanity at large, the biggest thing that drives people to the depths of despair: Fear.

 Fear asks: Am I pretty enough? Am I a fast enough runner, a good enough student, a good enough child?  Fear lunges at us like a sharp crack of lightning, and we are so often frozen in its wake.  And so we live in a state of competition, of fear that says: I must prove myself, or everyone will give up on me.  No one will love me.  I will be all alone.

That is what fear says.

But let me tell you something, straight from the Father: You are already proven worthy.  Second Corinthians 3:5 says that by ourselves, we aren't sufficient enough but, with Christ: We are made sufficient.   We are good enough-- you are good enough.

You are pretty enough, smart enough, fast enough, kind enough and worth enough.  (RELATED: Am I Beautiful?)

And when the realization of that truth hits your heart, it opens the door wide for two reasons:

1. The God of the universe has redeemed you and deemed you: Worthy
2. His opinion of you is the only one that matters

The second reason is a lot harder to get deep in our hearts.  Repeat it to yourself.  Repeat it and repeat it and let it become true, let it become air the breathes your soul to life in the aftermath of fear's strike.  Because you no longer have to live life in a state of constantly proving yourself, and you no longer have to fear what is going to happen.  God love you with a burning passion and seeks to bless you and fill you and take you on a wild ride of faith.

We don't have to set our aim on proving ourselves worthy, because that has already been done.  Now, we live in a state of freedom that allows us to pour love into the world around us. Now, we are liberated from fear of inadequacy, of loneliness, of disappointing others.

Run your race.  Run with strength and boldness.  Run with your blinders on and your eyes on the cross.  That cross tells you that you are sufficient.

Be encouraged, be bold and be free!

Love,
Hannah

A State of Hope

Since coming back to Butler last weekend, I've been a whirlwind of emotions. But in the aftermath of the excitement and loneliness, I've finally settled on a state of being that transcends simply "feeling." I am hopeful. Some moments, I am worried and I choose hope. Other times, my smile radiates and I bubble over with hope that fills my soul. But whether or not it is easy to pinpoint: I live in a constant state of hope. Maybe that's because I can now see how far Christ has brought me. Perhaps it's because the reality of the cross doesn't hit home until your heart desperately grapples with the sacrifice that brought us grace. Perhaps it is because I am redeemed in a more tangible way that I could see in the past, I am repurposed and replanted in the environment God has willed for me. 

I have come to know that the Lord of the universe does not leave it forsake His children. No matter what. He does not watch from a distance and He does not scrap His plans for us when we go our own way, ending up in a heap of tears and pain. And no matter how you and I have deviated from His plan, we cannot escape the love of the Father that pursues us.  His mercy that never fails to rescue us when we cry out. 

This is my room in my new apartment.

So as the doctors and athletic trainers have greeted me with smiles this week, I've soaked in the sweet goodness of the Lord- the goodness that has brought me back to life- because I wouldn't be here without it.

 And they have asked: What did you learn? How have you grown?  So I've mentioned the coping skills and the accountability. I tell them I've been surrendering control and coming out from isolation.

But then, I segue to my faith.   I confess that my progress thus far has been one prayer after another, as God has held me and stretched me during these seven months in treatment.  At the end of the day, what I've truly learned through this trial is that the Lord's loving kindness provides His children with hope.

Hold on though.

I don't want you to think, for even a second, that this is a blanketed statement of naivety. Because it's not. "Hope" is not just a fancy word for "wish" as we so often think. It is based on a firm understanding of what is true, founded on the character of the one we put our hope in.  I've walked through the fire and I've seen how the Lord delivers, there's no "wishing" involved.  I don't aimlessly throw up a prayer as a wish on a shooting star.  No. I've seen how He pursues us even when we turn our backs on Him in favor of our own will, so I confidently hope in His presence in my life. 

And by this point I feel like I'm rambling. I feel like I'm saying something that's already been said a dozen times- on this blog alone.  But isn't is such, that the more we learn, the more we see there is to learn.  This time last year, I thought I understood God's mercy and sovereignty, but I truly didn't until my life was in shambles and the hope of the Lord was all I had to turn to.

Maybe that's you today.  You're exhausted; you're lonely; you feel like it will never get better.  Well I've been relying a lot on Isaiah 41:10 this week, which says:

"So do not fear, for I am with you.  Do not be dismayed for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

He will hold you.  And having the support of the Sovereign God is more than enough reason to hope.  And you'll keep stumbling along and learning and finding out there's more to learn, but that's part of the journey.  Keep your hope in the Lord, choose it even when your emotions say: "No!" The Lord is faithful and He will never forsake you.  Never.

Love,

Hannah