Roadblocks (?)

Bitterness is something I know all too well.  It trapped me for many years, the ugly spawn of divorce and death that crippled me (RELATED: Unhinged). My tendency toward perfectionism only exacerbated it's pull, as I blamed situations and people for my failure to live up to my expectations.

But I never really saw the extent of my heart's bitterness until the past few months, until "fairness" was thrown to the wind and I was left with wounds festered in my bitterness.  See, I spent months doing all I could to be free from anorexia.  I put my all into recovery and restoring my body to health.  I felt that God was and is calling me to competitively running, so I endured the process of picking back up a passion that had almost killed me before.

I wrestled with running, trying to figure out where it fit in my life as a gift and not an idol.  And overall, this past fall has been an extremely valuable season of life that I praise God for.  I was able to race cross country, and the joy was written across my face as I used my body to glorify the Lord.  It was exhilarating!

But the "high" was short lived.

After four weeks of cross training and two weeks of not being able to put pressure on my left leg, the doctor took one look and was pretty sure it was a stress fracture.  Turns out, it was a stress fracture with a simultaneous stress reaction in the right leg.  And I began to sob.

So, in the quiet of the Indiana woods, I screamed to God.  Why had He done this to me.  What had I done wrong that I could never reach my full potential as an athlete, that I could never find success?  Self-pity took over as I cried to my Savior, and even in my selfish nature: He held me.

The injury had been overlooked when the pain had started almost two months prior, and finally I had an answer, but the pain only seeped deeper.  Bitterness began to take root as I drove the dimly light streets and mourned the loss. I let that bitterness fester for at least two weeks before I just couldn't take it anymore.  The voice of the Lord was breaking through my hardened heart, whispering the freedom of forgiveness.

"Don't you see, my daughter?  There is nothing I cannot turn for good."  His words penetrated the tears that began to flow.  I realized that it's entirely possible that I will never reach my full potential as an athlete and woman and make up 100% of the time I lost to anorexia. (RELATED: Am I Beautiful?).  I must be able to strive for my best, but be okay with the possibility that I will never get there.  See, perfection is not what my life is about.

For some reason, this is a part of God's plan now, an act of the enemy that the Lord will use and already is using.  So perhaps I can let go of the bitterness.  Maybe, because I know of all God has done for me, I can extend that forgiveness as well.  And maybe, I can breathe in the freedom of the Lord that promises strength for today (RELATED: An Awestruck 2016).

Asking myself what life would be like without these roadblocks is of no use to me.  What I do know, is that these so-called "roadblocks" have been building blocks for my faith, and I expect this injury to be no less.

Love,
Hannah

Ps. Read more about my theme of being "awestruck" by the Lord this year by clicking HERE.  Enjoy!