Reaching Out, Remembering Who I Am

It's been a while since I've ventured into the blogosphere.  I've been pretty busy with running, work and nannying (RELATED: Adventures in Babysitting).  Yet, it's been more of an emotional hiatus, in all honesty.  I have been lacking.  Lacking in words to say and thoughts to pour out.  It's not that they aren't there, but rather: The swirling mass in my head has been too daunting to crack into.

It's been weeks of self-pity and anger, followed my success and elation.  It's been good runs and bad runs, great body image and days I've wanted to hide in my closet.  It's been filled with feelings of great loneliness and feelings of camaraderie and connection.  A lot of that is due to the fact that I'm a screwy twenty-year-old who is pretty unsure of her way in this world.  No, I'm not unsure of who I am in Christ and what that means in my life.  But I am pretty diffident when it comes to "being Hannah."

As many of you know, I've spent five years in an eating disorder.  In the midst of all the restriction and isolation, I missed high school.  Schoolwork, relationships and socializing all took a backseat to anorexia.  And I let the monster hide in the closet, covering it up with a bubbly personality and militaristic drive.  I ignored the invitations until they stopped coming, and then it was just me and the eating disorder.  And God.

I've since realized that as much as I tried to distant myself, the Lord has always been right by my side.  Just like the disciples on the road to Emmaus, He was right there when I felt like all my friends had disappeared.  He was right there when I went from a state ranked runner to a washout my senior year.  (RELATED: It is well with my soul) All along, He knew why and He knew me.  And just like He was with me then, He is with me now.  Now, as I try to reestablish friendships; as I, like a fish flopping on the deck, get a glimpse of my world and try to make sense of it.  Unlike the metaphorical fish though, this is where I belong. As much as I feel like an outsider and foreigner in the young-adult world of friends and professionalism and dating, I am created to have connection.  It's easy to forget that, to return to my hiding place and not to the scary world that I'm suddenly apart of again.  But then I remember.

I remember that Christ has created me to be with others, and I- just like you- am fearfully and wonderfully made.

I remember that I am a work in progress, and greatly improved than I was last year.

I remember that anorexia used to be my only friend, but now that door has opened wide and I'm still new to this "social" thing.

I remember that it's ok to be awkward- to trip on my feet, talk too much and to say things I think are funny but are met with a silent stare.

Yep.  That's me.  I have a passion for running (but it's no longer my idol), I love to travel, I have a knack for crossword puzzles and a constant thirst for tea.  I've never seen Harry Potter and I love HGTV.  I'd rather hike a mountain than go shopping and I don't think I'm particularly coordinated- which doesn't go well with the whole "mountain hiking" thing.  And above all: I'm crazy about God.

But it's scary to let the world see me, especially when it seems like everyone else has their life-routine pretty solidified. I mean, how I can't just take a course:  "How to be likable and make friends."  Such is my dilemma.

So as I flop along,  coming to terms with how Hannah fits into society, I also remember that I can be confident in who I am.  I don't have to be afraid of rejection, and I really don't have to "fit in" to society in the first place.  Frankly, I'd rather  flip society on it's head than try and hide away in the masses; a social light rather than a socialite (I like puns too).  (RELATED: Tear Down the Walls)

That being said: Can you all just like me? Yep.  That's what my mind immediately goes to, because I want to be liked and I sure don't want to put myself out there just to be rejected.  Here's the thing though: I'm tired of rejecting myself before I give the world a chance to let me in.  I'm finally taking the leap and it's worth it.  Hanging out with friends reminds me how cool it is to let the world in, and so does getting letters and texts and even requests to pray for others.  It's a reminder, a reminder that I'm a human amongst humans and I belong- as awkward as I am.

I pray that this purging of thoughts and emotions is of some encouragement to you.  I hope it reminds you that you too, have something incredible to offer and that your worries aren't worth the wasted time.  I pray that each of us can recognize God in this moment, before we get to our Emmaus- a fleeting and trivial goal or destination.  Remember, my friend, that you are dearly loved.  And for goodness sakes, the next time the "new kid" makes an attempt to say hello, remember that we're all flawed- and fragile- humans.  Let's not waste anymore of our already-precious time.  (RELATED: My Recovery Bucket List)

Love,
Hannah