Wretched Woman That I Am (Romans 7:24)

Sometimes, I get confused at the whir of life.  The speed of it all has a way of drawing me away from God and toward stressful to-do lists.  I hate that.  I hate how somehow I could ever take my eyes off of my Savior and think that recovery or running or work or relaxation are ever as satisfying as the Lord.

I feel like Paul, who realized what a "wretched man" he was, in Romans 7.  He saw how quickly he could fall into the devil's lies, into the trap of sin.  That's kind of how I've felt lately, disappointed in myself and utterly frustrated with lack of progress.  I've been serving the fleshly law of sin, and it's no wonder I've been overcome with condemnation and anxiety.  One minute, I'm contemplating how unlovable I am.  The next minute, I'm freaking out that one bad running day means that I'm spiraling downward again.  And in the frenzy of fear, my eyes turn from God because, if I don't think anyone on earth wants me, why run to a God who is perfect and has a perfect record of all my errors? (RELATED: Building Walls)

Those are some deep thoughts.  And some unsettling ones, at that.  But God showed me last Sunday what was at the root of my sudden flee from God.  It's as if I want to shut myself down before someone else does.  After all, deprecation can seem more manageable because its foreseen and expected.  But I'm realizing it's really just a bunch of crap.  I mean, for lack of a more eloquent synonym: That's what it is.  It's a lie from satan that says I can't let people in, can't let them hurt me.  So, naturally: I wall up and end up wallowing in the truth of  Romans 7:24: "Oh, wretched [woman] that I am.  Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?"

But have you read verse 25?  Paul goes on to praise the Lord, to give thanks that he is saved by the grace of God through Jesus.  Rather than getting caught up in sin and then bogged down by condemnation, he chooses to accept the grace that has already been given.

I want to do that too.

I want to stop listening to satan's lies that I'll never change; I want to stop worrying that a bad run means I've lost my gift; I want to stop despising myself for crying and sinning and growing weary and....well: Being human.

That's where grace comes in.  Radical grace.  Grace that I can't quite understand but that changes the outcome of human history, changes the outlook of my life.  That is the grace that has been gripping me lately.  As I wrestle with recovery and running again and trying to release the fear of man from my heart, this is the grace that I cling to.  I can't say I won't shy away from God again, because I probably will.  I can't say I'll have the great comeback story that is already planned out in my head.  But I do know that I have a Savior who is walking alongside me during this trial, who is paving the way and taking me back with every misstep and tumble along the way.  With that realization, I must- like Paul- proclaim: "Oh thanks be to God!"

Thanks for your continued prayers guys.  I'm making slow and steady progress, and will post an update on my running tomorrow! (RELATED: Why Strong is Not the New Skinny)