Why Strong is NOT the New Skinny

As a female, it is impossible to escape the constant pressure to conform to societal standard.  I mean, unless I'm gonna hibernate under a rock Patrick Star style, I'm going to hear all about the clothes I "should" wear and the body I "should" have. Frankly, it's exhausting!

It has been really neat though, to see the female spirit of determination come out of that.  Women are standing up for themselves and we are seeing female CEOs and movements on social media to reinforce healthy, real women.  I stumbled across an account last week on Instagram called @womenirl, meaning: Women in Real Life.  I love it.  I love the way it encourages us to be ourselves- messy hair, thick thighs and blemished faces included.  But I've also seen a movement go viral that I'm not so supportive of, one that I didn't mind at first but has increasingly bothered me as I see it online day after day.

You may be familiar with it: "Strong is the new skinny."  Uh huh... seems innocent enough, right?  But take a closer look at what this popular phrase- and hashtag- is really saying.  See, the word "skinny" has the connotation of an unattainable ideal, a lofty goal at the least.  It accompanies pictures of emaciated women or those who live life at the gym with their rigorous three hour workouts and hyper-specific calorie regimes. (RELATED:  Let's Talk About Eating Disorders)

Now tell me: Why in the world do we want THAT associated with the word "strong?"  Strong is NOT the new skinny because "strong" is an inner quality.  It might be exemplified in muscular quads or strong arms sometimes, but it is also exemplified in perseverance through tough times and in work-filled days.  It stems from a heart attitude that says: "I will not give up and I will not give in."

Determination.  That demeanor crosses over into all areas of a woman's life.  Yet it's common to see "strong is the new skinny" at the bottom of workout photos and healthy food.  Goodness knows we can do a little better than just slap up a photo of the ideal body and #strongisthenewskinny.  What about the strength of working a twelve hour work day or in choosing to nourish our bodies?  What about the strength of a mother or of a dedicated student?  Those have nothing to do with "skinny," and we shouldn't associate them with that frivolous ideal.  (RELATED: The Different Types of Eating Disorders)

Strong is NOT the new skinny.  Strong is the mom who keeps up with four kids and a part-time job.  Strong is the student who studies her butt off to excel in the classroom.  Strong recovering from an eating disorder, conquering a fear, falling in love.  It's not having a six-pack and it's not looking like a barbie doll.  (RELATED: Things That Have Shaped Me).

At the risk of coming across angry, I want to stress that it is sadness, and not judgmental anger, that has motivated this post.  See, I look around at so many beautiful women and see such a threat from the enemy in their lives, a threat that says we, as women, must conform to a specific appearance and standard.  Being skinny is one of the chief demands, and an extremely unhealthy and stupid one, at that.  But replacing it with the physical goal of strength is ignoring the root of the problem.

Your value does not lie in your appearance.  Your appearance is only a dim reflection of the true "you." Your strength comes from your heart, your core and it goes far deeper than what a mirror can show.  It reaches beyond what any picture can portray or dress size can depict.  It extends past stereotypes and hashtags and pounds and muscle mass.  So, don't forget this, my beautiful friends:

 Strong is NOT the new skinny.  Oh yes, you are strong, but your body strength only scratches the surface of the inner strength that burns within you.

Love, 

Hannah

Raising the Bar for Nutritious Snacks

I'm a fan of puns, but there is something that rivals my love of word humor, that is: Delicious foods!  As a student athlete and someone recovering from an eating disorder, I find great delight in perusing the grocery aisles looking for new snacks to challenge myself with or just try for fun.  One of the best snack categories has got to be- hands down- nutrition bars!  Protein bars, granola bars and the like are just so scrumptious that I would be failing in my duty as a blogger if I didn't share my affinity for nutrition bars. (RELATED: Quick Snacks for the College Health Nut)

So here they are, the good and the bad of some brands I've recently tried:

 Power Crunch Bars:
Pros: These wafer-bars are amazingly delicious and surprisingly high in protein, as in: 14g of protein!  One thing I love about Power Crunch bars is that they aren't your typical protein bar that's coated in chocolate, which means they don't melt in the sun or freeze in the cold.  That's certainly a perk.  Aside from that though, they taste amazing and come in numerous flavors like chocolate, peanut butter and mint chocolate.
Con(s): Power Crunch bars are easily smooshed in a backpack or workout bag, making for a messy recovery snack later on.  Additionally, they are very expensive, so much so that I can't really justify buying them myself.
Overall Ranking: 6/10

Quest Bars:
Pros: Quest bars are the holy grail of protein bars in the fitness world, and for a good reason!  They are incredibly delicious and have great macros- 20g of protein and a good balance of carbs to fat.  Plus, all the chocolatey flavors have giant chunks of chocolate in them, which I love,  especially after a few minutes in the oven.  I'd be hard pressed to choose a favorite, but perhaps Chocolate Chunk or Strawberry Cheesecake.  By the names, these bars sound like fancy deserts, and they pretty much are.  Quest's website even lists a myriad of recipe ideas involving the bars.  Some are super creative, but I've just stuck to the plain old rectangular bar thus far.
Con(s): Like Power Crunch bars, Quest bars are incredibly expensive ($2-$2.25 each), which makes it difficult to justify purchasing.  Yet, they meet my mealplan requirements for a snack very well and there are occasional sales online/in stores/at GNC.  Because of the price, Quest bars remain my "treat" snack and I only have them about once a week.  Additionally, they have a ton of fiber in them so as a heads-up, I wouldn't recommend them as a side with beans.  Just sayin'
Overall Ranking: 9/10

ZonePerfect Bars:
Pros: ZonePerfect bars are a perfect protein bar to take on the go, and I eat them all the time because of their amazing taste and great macros- 15g of protein in most.  They have less protein than many protein bars, but contrary to what everybody and their mother thinks: More protein is not always a good thing (and FYI: 15g is still a lot!)  ZonePerfect bars have a great crunchy layer to them and come in multipacks that also save a bit of cash, but that's if you can decide on one of the multiple flavors.
Con(s): My biggest complaint when it comes to ZonePerfect bars is also one of my favorite things about them: They are coated in chocolate, thus: They aren't ideal for storing in the car during the summer months.  Aside from that, the taste isn't as good as a Quest bar and the bars can sometimes fall apart when I try to break a piece off, but they are still a definite winner in my book.
Overall Ranking: 6/10

Good Greens Bars:
Pros: As much as I complain about Ohio, I'm still a buckeye girl at heart and I love that Good Greens is an Ohio company!  Their bars come in multiple flavors, with some being a chewy, fruit-like bar and others being coated in chocolate or greek yogurt.  The coated ones are amazing and I can't get enough of the silky texture and addictive taste.  You wouldn't even guess that these bars are vegan and contain 9-12g of protein.  Plus, they contain lots of fruits and vegetables like broccoli and apple.  My favorite flavor is probably chocolate chunk or chocolate raspberry.
Con(s): While I'm fanatic about the coated flavors, I'm not a fan of the regular greens bars- like wildberry- that taste akin to an artificial fruit stick.  I also have noticed that since Good Greens is based in Ohio, its products aren't available at some grocery stores and where I do find them, Giant Eagle, the price can be steep if they aren't on sale.  They are a lot more reasonably priced than Quest or Power Crunch bars though.
Overall Ranking: 8/10

Clif Bars:
Pros: Clif bars still remind me of long hikes and high school cross country.  Why?  Because they are an athlete's best friend.  They are loaded with a good amount of calories and a great balance of carbs, protein and fat.  They only have 8g of protein but they aren't meant to be a protein bar.  They are a dense, pre-workout bar and for that they are stellar!  If apple pear strudel or chocolate brownie doesn't pump you up for a mountain trek, I don't know what will.  I've also found that they are debatably even better when warmed in the microwave for 21 seconds (not 20 seconds, not 22). They are often on sale for less than $1 and are easily transportable because the chocolate free flavors aren't prone to melting in the sun.
Con(s): While Clif bars are a great source of energy, they are also high in sugar which is a concern to some people and should be recognized.  As an athlete, that sugar is very beneficial, but if cookies and candy are already staples in your diet, your sugar levels are probably already sufficient.  And while Clif bars do have amazing flavor, they aren't going to have the rich-tasting chocolate chunks of a Quest bar, or the crunchiness of a ZonePerfect bar.
Overall Ranking: 9/10

Luna Protein Bars: 
Pros: From the makers of Clif bars, comes a superb delight that is taking the nation by storm.  It sounds like a movie promo, right?  While Luna bars are yet to star in a feature film, they are a hit with their chocolate-coated deliciousness.  When I first wrote about these a few years ago, the cookie dough flavor was my favorite and then it was mint chocolate.  Then, I liked lemon vanilla and now I'm obsessed with sea salt caramel.  Will the madness ever end!?  Luna bars just keep getting better and better, and because Luna is a large enough company, you can find them most anywhere at a decent price.  With 12g grams of protein and a great balance of carbs and fat, they are a great bar for post-workout or just a mid-day snack.
Con(s): Luna bars are even more chocolate coated than ZonePerfect bars, which makes a huge mess when they are out in the sun.  Additionally, I still have the wish that Luna will develop a "mega bar" version because these bars seem a lot smaller than other brands.  A few bites is such a tease, but it works out well when I'm in a rush and need something quick I guess.
Overall Ranking: 9/10

FiberOne Protein Bars:
Pros: I'd never really tried FiberOne bars because they are pretty skimpy in the nutrition department, but when these bars came out a few months ago, I had to try them!  The caramel nut brownie have the best macros at 16g carbs, 7g protein and 6g fat. FiberOne Protein bars are also the most economic option of the bunch, with a 6-pack box costing only $3.48 at Walmart.   I also love that these bars have a real crunchiness to them and are chocolate coated as well.  They pair with an apple to make my perfect bedtime snack.
Con(s): The chocolate coating seems to be a double-edged sword when it comes to these bars, and the FiberOne bars are no exception.  And, while they are bigger than LunaProtein bars, they aren't very big themselves.  They also have lower macros than most of these bars, which means they might not satisfy your hunger as long.
Overall Ranking: 9/10

PureProtein Bars:  These bars look nearly identical to ZonePerfect bars, in my opinion.  But they are ZonePerfect's less-expensive twin that doesn't sacrifice on taste.  These bars are amazingly chocolatey- helllloooo deluxe chocolate- and have great crunchiness to them as well.  It's also important to note that while these bars have as much protein as Quest bars, they are half the price (less than $1 each in a multi-pack).  Oh my goodness: With their low sugar and impressive macros, these bars are a must-have on your grocery list.  You won't be sorry!
Con(s): PureProtein bars might be inexpensive but that's only if you buy a multipack, which is something to take into consideration.  Additionally: they are chocolate coated which is a bummer for those hot summer days.  And if you  look closely at the wrapper, you'll notice a small disclaimer (that should be on Quest bars as well) that these bars can have a laxative effect because of the sugar alcohols.  I personally haven't had a problem, but I also haven't eaten them before a serious run or workout.
Overall Ranking: 9/10

Bearded Brothers Bars: 
Pros: I was so excited when I got some samples of these bars this past fall, and I must say they were well worth the wait.  The bars are made in Texas and are vegan and raw, not to mention they come in a compostable package.  There's less than 10 ingredients in the bars and they are actually things I know, like almonds and organic dried mango. And the ingredients make for an amazing snack.  Coconut mango and bodacious blueberry are just some of the flavors.  And I love that these bars are more fruit based, it is a refreshing taste in the world of chocolate-laden bars.  These bars are also unique in that they have more fat than the others on the list, which is great because fat is your body's preferred fuel!  Bearded Brothers bars don't sacrifice in other areas though; they still contain 6g of protein and have tons of vitamins.
Con(s): Although these bars are 100% natural, the dried fruit in them takes a toll by giving the bars a whopping 20g of sugar.  This isn't a problem for most athletes, but as I said before: It can be a drawback.  Other than that, the only really drawback is that these bars are from a small, Texas company and can't be purchased in stores in the Midwest.  You have to order them online at this point.  But with the delicousness of these bars, I'm hoping they'll catch on soon and be available in stores near me!
Overall Ranking: 8/10

Greens +plusbar:
Pros: I discovered +plusbars when I was looking to try something different than Clif bars for once.  These hit the spot because they are amazingly chocolatey.  They are very smooth and similar in texture to the Good Greens bars, but have the best chocolate taste out of all these bars.  These bars come in numerous flavors and  have 15g of protein with green superfoods and no GMOS.
Con(s): +Plusbars are in the middle ground when it comes to cost, but are sometimes on sale for $1.  They are chocolate covered though, so they aren't ideal for hot cars or warming in the micro.  It's also important to know that these bars- like Clif and Bearded Brothers- have a lot of sugar (19g).
Overall Ranking: 9/10

Epic Bars: 
Pros: What do you get when you take animal based protein and create a nutrition bar with it?  Your answer may very well be: "A gross snack," but I encourage you to keep your mind open.  I initially was interested in these bars because they have 14g of protein, 6g of fat, no added sugar and are 100% natural.  So today, I finally tried my turkey almond cranberry bar.   My first bite was skeptical but I soon decided that Epic bars are unique and have an amazing taste.  They are similar to a jerky, but break off easily enough to eat.  No, they aren't chocolate, but sometimes I'm in the mood for a savory bar and Epic bars are perfect for that!  It tasted crazy good in a way I didn't expect, but perhaps that is because it's so original compared to the rest of the nutrition bars out there.
Con(s): While these bars are available are health food stores and my local Kroger, they are among the most expensive at $2 each.  They also have a very polarizing taste that I loved, but imagine some people wouldn't care for.
Overall Ranking: 8/10



What other bars or snacks should I review?  I love to hear from my readers, so let me know in the comments below!

Things That Have Shaped Me

To make a list that encapsulates all the influences on my life would be impossible, but here are just some of the things/people that have shaped me:

• Going to a Christian elementary school and being raised with a firm foundation
• Finally letting the world see the goofy and imperfect Hannah

• Having two amazing brothers on each side- to protect and love me
• Hannah sandwiches (a.k.a: hugs with mom and dad in the kitchen)
• My grandfather's death when I was seven
• The prophetic declaration spoken over my life that I am an overcomer and a fighter
• The lie that love must be earned
• Failing my driver's test three times because I was basically "too careful"
• My uncle's death in 2013, but more importantly: The influence of the life that proceeded it

• Long hikes with my mom, and with my brothers- full of deep conversations and breathtaking views (Including my run up Handies Peak!)

• Friday night race strategy in high school with my dad, where I learned to dream big
• Dare 2 Share youth conference
• My parents' divorce
• fear of abandonment
• The petitions of many prayer warriors, on behalf of my life
• The pure and utter joy of running and everything outdoorsy

• Switching from private to public school in the sixth grade
• Two amazing coaches, a handful of trusted friends and a devoted church family
• A daddy who has always told me that, while this is my fight to own, "we are in this together"
• Hebrews 10:32-39
• My dad remarrying

• Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers
• The Center for Balanced Living
• A week in the hospital in 2011 due to anorexia
• Beautiful by Mercy Me
• A passion for writing
• Choosing to take a semester off to further pursue eating disorder treatment
• The promise that I am redeemed because Christ makes all things new

*Thanks to Emma Scriver at A New Name, for this great blog post idea!  Read her post HERE.

Love,
Hannah

"When I Run, I Feel His Pleasure"

The "Fun Run" in 3rd grade

I love running again!  For so long, the gift of running had turned into compulsive drudgery, something I couldn't live without but couldn't be happy with.  It had long since deviated from the joyful activity I fell in love with as a six year old.  The past two years, it has been misery because my body never had enough energy or my mind didn't have enough sanity to enjoy it without thinking of calories or speed or distance or pace.

I wouldn't go as far as to say all that has changed, but there is a huge difference.  Yesterday, I didn't know if I was going to take my rest day or run.  At first, I thought I'd rest.  Then, I walked outside and my legs were itching to go hit the trail.  So I waited until the afternoon-- something that I'd never been able to do before-- and I went to Highbanks to get in a run. 

Placing 2nd in the indoor
state meet DI 3,200m

My mind replayed the last two weeks, starting with the Monday that I first ran again.  It was painful and hard, like a child first riding a bike.  But the reward was there and so was my smile.  And every run, the joy has become more genuine and the movements: more fluid.  And as mud splashes up against my legs, it reminds me how good it is to be alive.  Truly alive.  For I've been a hollow shell for so many years and I'm done with that.

So I did my run-- thirty minutes exactly-- and I stretched by my car.  I texted my brother that I was done and I headed for home.  Sunlight streamed in as I rolled down the windows and began to sing like a half-crazed, hormonal teenager- note: I am now a half-crazed, hormonal 20 year-old- and that's when I had the thought:

This must be what if feels like to be free.

It caught me off guard.  But it lingered for a while, allowing me to soak in the excitement in tandem.  In that moment, there was no worry about what I'd eaten, what I would eat, what I looked like, how I was imperfect, how I shouldn't be sitting down and resting.  None of that crossed my mind.  If only for a split second, God gave me a taste of the freedom I am working towards.  He let me see a glimpse of what it is really like.  And it is ridiculously awesome, guys!

That was the first time I'd truly felt that relief, but I have confidence that as I continue on, those moments will happen more and more often, until they become my reality.  Perhaps it seems small, but this is pretty huge for me.  To be safe, I'm easing back into running slowly.  I know it could quickly go south if I dive back into it too fast.  My body and my mind need to re-learn the act of running.  My mind has directing me toward eating disorder behaviors for so long that it takes direct action to change them, to know that faster isn't always better and that I don't have to push my body to the breaking point.

Winning my 3rd consecutive conference
meet. It was so exciting!

As I'm learning these things, it's amazing to see how much more joyful running becomes. I used to hate getting up in the morning.  It meant that I had to run, do classwork, ride my bike and pass the time-- all before I could eat.  I had no energy and I had little hope.  But recovery is showing me that I can love my body and it will be kind to me in return.  I do have energy to run and that makes running an adventure again. It makes me appreciate the gift so much more.  I believe that when darkness pervades the gifts of God, we sometimes need to lay those things down in order to ever experience them in fullness.  That's what I've done.  I've laid down the things I love: Running; hiking; walking and exploring, in the hopes of discovering anew why I was created with such passions (RELATED: Running the Race).

One of my all-time favorite quotes is from Eric Liddell: "God made me for a purpose.  But He also made me fast and when I run, I feel his pleasure!"  The running nerd that I am, I always tear up at that quote. (RELATED: "Born To Run" Book Review)  THAT was a man who got it.  He understood why we are given the gift of running.  It's not about winning and it's not about burning calories.  It's not about being the best or even seeing how tough we can be.  Running truly is about letting our bodies worship the Lord.  Though I don't always like this healthy version of my body, I do appreciate it because it is letting me run again.  

And I'm running like never before.

Love,

Hannah 

Walls of Pride Have Replaced Walls of Shame: Time to Tear Down

I don't like being vulnerable.  I don't think a lot of us do.  Frankly, it leaves us open to critique, judgement and rejection.  Yet, I came to a point this last year where the walls I'd built had become so overpowering, that is was a task to simply get through the day.  No one knew how badly I was truly struggling and I didn't want them to.

I love Romans 8:2, which says: "For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set me free from the law of sin and death."  It reminds me that I'm not the trapped, sick "me" anymore. (RELATED: Let's Talk About Eating Disorders) I am made new.  And you all have graciously supported me on my journey thus far.  You've prayed for me, read my blog, offered encouragement and reminded me that there is hope. (RELATED: The Unexpected) Because of the support of my friends and family, I've been able to follow God's lead and tear down so many walls in my life.  Anorexia is not something to be ashamed of and my past is not something I need to hide.  No.  I need to share it, because a story isn't complete without the struggle, the struggle that makes us human.

Here's my problem though: I've torn down the walls of secrecy and shame.  Yet, I fear I have erected new walls in the process.  I've blogged about eating disorder awareness and about much of my personal struggle, and in doing so, I think I've built myself up and belittled the work of redemption. (RELATED: Do You Think I'm Beautiful)

My words may have been pretty spot, but my heart has been constantly battling the desire for attention, for praise, for approval.  In this struggle, I'm reminded that my entire journey of freedom is hinged on escaping the lust for approval of others (RELATED: A Freedom Filled 2015).  That doesn't stop when my words hit the page.  So this is my way of coming clean with all of you, about how imperfect I really am.  Honesty is what people connect to, and I'm here to connect.  I'm not here to soak in the praise of others.  That's something that I'm still working on in my heart.  Thanks for sticking with me guys.  Stay tuned for more blog posts about what God is doing in me.  (RELATED: My Next Step Forward)

Love,
Hannah

Springing Forward: My Next Step

It's been a busy few weeks, but I can't say it has been without payoff.  All the effort has been hard work, but I'm truly reaping the rewards.  Don't get me wrong: There is still a lot- I mean a LOT- of distance I've yet to cover in my recovery journey, but I'm starting to see what real life is like. (RELATED: Do You Think I'm Beautiful?)

It's afternoon runs, because I have the energy to run and my body is healthy again.  And I don't have to run first thing in the morning and I don't have to measure my distance or pace or calories burned. (RELATED: Rest)  And all I hear is my feet on the pavement because I'm not listening to the eating disorder lies.  I'm blocking them out.

Real life is hanging out with friends, occasionally smashing scales on the street and standing tall in who God has created me to be-- in the midst of rude and insensitive comments from people who don't understand the hell I've been through.

My friend and I destroyed her scales
today.  I'd say it was a smashing success!

Real life is finally moving on from partial hospitalization, to the world of outpatient-- where you get to explore new hallways and meet new people at the front desk.  It's an exciting world.  But it's also a bit frightening.  Thirty hours or treatment decreased to twelve and then to nine and now: three.  It's not easy but I've asked for and received more support at home, I've etched out new goals and I've worked hard to schedule my time.  Free time is bad news for me, it only fuels E.D. (RELATED: Keep Trekking)  

Monday and Tuesday were super hard and I was very anxious, but I am finding my way through the minefields and am working out the kinks.  Running helps my anxiety a lot and is enjoyable for the first time in a few years.  My body image is another story all together, but somewhere in the back of my head, I remember that this isn't going to last forever.  The benefits of recovery, however, will last forever.  So I think I can tough it out.  When I think about where I was just a few months ago, the fact that I'm running at all and able to rest and relax at all, blows my mind.  God is doing amazing things! See THIS post from August to see what I mean- My all-around health has improved, but so has my honesty and transparency within my writing!

I really have been leaning on Proverbs 18:10 lately, which says: "The name of the Lord is a strong tower.  The righteous run to it and are safe."  It reminds me that I am safe in Him, I am alive in Him.  I don't have to restrict or run faster and walk longer or hide from the world.  Life in Christ is worth living, and the more I test that theory, the more I prove it true.  (RELATED: Accept Love)

Thank you all for your continued love and support,
Hannah

Accept Love

Does anyone else ever feel like no one quite gets you?  Like the world seems to be rushing on with its business, never stopping to see you trip and fall on your face amidst your struggle.  Yeah.  I would bet that most of us feel like that at one time or another.  I think it's part of  human nature to desire to be loved and understood; Thus, in our broken world, it's common to feel the heartache and loneliness of feeling misunderstood, abandoned, forgotten.

I had one of those times this past weekend, where one moment in time seemed to extend for hours, days even.  I began to engage in self-pity because, after all, no one else was going to care, I reasoned. But the digger I dug, the more I realized two things: Number one, people do care.  They care deeply and compassionately.  They care for me, they care about the things that happen to me and they care with the love of Christ that reminds me I am loved and understood.

Number two: I learned that there is a real ache that sometimes needs to be mourned.  There are real hurts that we can't just cover up and pretend don't matter.  Bandaids might work when you fall off a scooter but they're a sore replacement for a good cry when your heart is hurting.

So, here's my advice from my crappy weekend: Accept love.  Accept the hugs and the words of encouragement and affirmation.  Accept the smiles and smiley faces in texts.  Accept that these are all reflections of the Father's love and that He is never, ever, ever going to leave you.  Accept that words do sting but that love is the healing salve of all things.  Because remember: You do heal, you were made precious and resilient and stronger than you know.  Accept that you are a work in progress.  It doesn't matter if you're struggling with an eating disorder or struggling to make a grade on the next exam, doubt and frustration slap us all in the face.  But you aren't alone.  We may not all understand each other, but the first step is to try.  Chances are, you might be like me and find yourself surprised that God has placed some people in your life who do care.  He has given you people who do understand.  So accept them, and go out and be that person.

Love,
Hannah