Wedding Day: I Wear the White of His Grace

     Today was definitely a big day.  To be honest, I wasn't quite sure how it was going to go, or rather: how I would do.  I've known my dad was getting married for over a year and a half.  He has been dating my step-mom for something like seven years.  Yet,  I found that because of the difficult divorce and struggles in my past, I was the kid in the family that was having the most trouble with it all.  I beat myself up about it, prayed about it, beat myself up some more, and then receive grace upon grace from my dad, my step-mom, and God.
     Everyone told me,"you'll be ready when its time."  Well, we got closer and closer to the wedding and I felt less and less like I even belonged in the 'family.'  I was still feeling like that yesterday when I took my dad putt-putting for his father's day gift-- we've been too busy until yesterday (if it hadn't happened then, it wouldn't have happened till late August or even winter!)  I told him I didn't belong, I was too messed up, and I was afraid.  He talked to me.  It was nothing I hadn't heard before: trusting God, going all in, ect.  But when he was done talking to me, my daddy told me I was an amazing girl.  And you know what?  That was what hit me.
     For this past year, I've been inflicting so much hatred on myself because I've been the bad one, in my head.  I've been the one who's too broken to ever fit back in anywhere.  But my daddy told me that I was loved.  Like he's told me many times, he said that he will never give up on me and that I was already in this family.

Click on the pic for a link to the song, Wedding Day

     I'm slowly learning that things in life change rapidly.  Many changes might be painful, like the numerous I have gone through thus far.  But Christ came so that I don't need to be afraid of these changes.  He works through all things for our good.  He has good plans for us.  Little by little I am grasping that to a fuller extent, but I'm a long way from the finish line.  What comforts me however, is the knowledge that God came for the broken, not the whole.  I don't have to pretend for my new family and I don't have to pretend for him.
     I couldn't sleep last night for fear and anxiety both from my dreams and my thoughts, and yet: today was a good day.  It was definitely a good day.  When I found myself crying, it was mostly out of joy.  For I know that I can trust my dad, his new wife, and most importantly: God.  Change is always worked for good, but on some occasions the work is in taking the leap of faith out into the water.  I guess today was that leap, and God was with me all the way.
     I'm here to say that I don't have it figured out.  I'm broken.  I'm a little too clingy, a little too insecure,  a little jealous and stubborn and fearful and messed up.  Yet, I am also covered in love and grace that is not going anywhere.  If these people who I love have not left yet, I'm pretty sure they're in it for the long haul.  I'm pretty sure that I'm going to have an even better relationship with my daddy.  I'm pretty sure that my heavenly daddy is reaching down and starting an new adventure of blessings that I've been awaiting for along time in this desert.
    For now, that's all the soul baring information I've got.  But I hope it's an encouragement to you that God's arms really do wrap their way around us and hold us tight when we are afraid.  He shows me the ultimate love of a family every day, and especially today as I took a leap into the deep.  Take a listen to the Casting Crown song, Wedding Day, and maybe you'll get a taste of what I mean.


There's a stirring in the throne room
And all creation holds it's breath
Waiting now to see the bridgegroom
Wondering how the bride will dress
And she wears white
And she knows that she's undeserving
She bears the shame of history
With this worn and weary maiden
Is not the bride that he sees
And she wears white head to toe
But only he can make it so

When someone dries your tears
When someone wins your heart and says your beautiful
When you don't know you are
And all you long to see
Is written on his face
Love has come and finally set you free
On that wedding day

On that wedding day

She has danced in golden castles
And she has crawled through beggar's dust
But today she stands before him
And she wears his righteousness
And she will be who he adores
And this is what he made her for

When someone dries your tears
When someone wins your heart and says your beautiful
When you don't know you are
And all you long to see
Is written on his face
Love has come and finally set you free
On that wedding day

When the hand that bears the only scars
And heaven touch her face
And the last tears she'll ever cried
Are finally wiped away
And the clouds roll back as he takes her hand
And walks her through the gates
Forever we will reign

When someone dries your tears
When someone wins your heart and says your beautiful
When you don't know you are
And all you long to see
Is written on his face
Love has come and finally set you free
On that wedding day
On that wedding day
On that wedding day