Pinterest A Grateful Life Lived: Upping your Rep. in Church

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Upping your Rep. in Church

     I sure hope I'm not the only Christian who's ever made a little slip-up and perhaps soiled their reputation.  I'm not talking bad stuff here.  Still, being caught with an eye open during prayer or laughing in the middle of the sermon are things that people are going to remember.    
     About five years ago, my best friend and I were the major goofs of church.  We would draw pictures of ugly ladies on the back of the prayer request cards.  We would mouth every other word to worship songs-- that took great skill and practice.  We even went as far as singing like hillbillies during a particularly country song we didn't care for.
     What did that do for us?  Well it got the attention of the pastor, who all too graciously spoke to her parents, who spoke to us about it.  No one was the harsh on us, but the mortifying reality of my pastor seeing the ugly; fat; and hairy women we drew in church while he was trying to bring us closer to God, was more than enough to turn this heathen around.
     After I got my own little notebook and began actually listening in church, I realized: "Hey, this is pretty cool!"  Aside from my obvious stupidity though, I was struggling with the fact that almost every member of my congregation-- its a very small church-- knew that I was having my own little playdate every Sunday morning.  Yikes.
     So, from trial and error, I have begun my journey back to spiritual prominence.  All joking aside, this stuff is ludicrous.  But if you've got a funny history like my own, I would beg to differ that you haven't even been tempted to try one of these moves to improve your reputation in church:

1. Raise your hands at least twice each Sunday
This should help you out with the hand raises
(photo credit:
     Frankly, it could be during the sermon or during a song, but ideally: get them up there and wave 'em like you just don't care.  Go for the goalposts or the concert wave, but do something!  That way, the poor people behind you who are trying to worship, will be blinded by your holy reverence and stellar worshipping!

2. Murmur during the prayer times
     This is effective in church, Bible studies, or just praying with others.  Come to think of it, this is even more effective if you are just praying by yourself and happen to be doing so in the lobby that everyone is walking through.  The most effective phrases include: "Mmm..yes Lord," "Yesss Father," and "Come Holy Spirit."  You can tell there are many others who seek to up their church rep. when you begin to hear these phrases flowing together like the speaking in tongues.  Murmuring captures others' attention best when you repeat yourself over and over, in a cult-like way.

3. Throw "Churchy" words into everything
     The pastor's wife asked what you did on Independence Day?  Well you went to a parade and hung with some friends, of course.  Wrong!  As far as she needs to know, you read some essays of Charles Spurgeon and witnessed of God's redeeming power at an elderly home.  Then, you did an interpretive dance to "My Country Tis' of Thee," while your brother read scripture in the background.
     Catch my drift?

4. Seize on the floor
     When all else fails, and you just don't know with of the above will help your situation: this is your go to.  Just crumple up on the floor and begin shaking with the power of the Holy Spirit.  Everyone will be so amazed that they will revel in how wrong they were about you all these years.  With luck, they will begin to think that the drawings you always made and the notes you always passed during the service, were really divine moments of communion with God.  Trust me, this is the way to go.  Worst case scenario, you can claim that you don't remember anything and it was just a seizure.  Most likely though, you will get up off the floor as a highly respected woman/man of God.

     I hope these provided a few laughs.  In all honesty, I wouldn't recommend any of these.  I wouldn't lie though and say I've never thought of them!  The important thing is to remember that the one who matters in your relationship with God, is: God!  It's never too late to turn to him, even if you were a sneaky-pew-sinner like myself.

1 comment:

  1. bahahah I like the sieze on the floor one:) I'll have to try that:D