One of my favorite bands, Starfield, has a great song that starts out:
"I've got something to say
It's been one of those days
And I'm finding it hard to believe, in you
I've got something to say
Right now it feels like you are slipping away
Like I am drowning in a crisis of faith
Like I'm alone"
Because I have made this blog to be anonymously honest about my life, I've will share that that's exactly how I felt today. Without delving into the whole story, I injure my Poreneal Tendon last week during a track workout, and it's been slow to healing because I've been running on it whenever I can-- as in: not really resting it. Yesterday, the day before our meet today, I could only run for 5 min. before I physically could not push off that foot anymore. The athletic trainer assures me that it can be healed up by next weekends invitational, but not if I keep running on it and slowing the progress. Frustrated, I agreed with both his and my coaches terms and bowed out of my scheduled races for today's meet. As a result, I woke up angry and upset this morning, wondering how miserably cold I would be while standing at a meet for six hours, watching everyone else run. I was really grateful though for Running with Joy (Click here for background on this reference.) I read it on the bus, and got to an amazing part where Ryan talks about how he went to watch his wife race and had a difficult time watching the other runners-- some of his competitors-- run very well. He talked about how that acted as a "heart check" for him, yet how he was glad that he had grown very much in that area already. That was an encouragement to me (even elite Christian runners have this problem!) At the same time, it reminded me that I am servant of God whom the world sees-- whether I act like it or no-- as a representation of him. That put my circumstances in a completely different light!
I won't lie though; I did spend most of the meet texting my dad about how I was a.) frustrated, b.) feeling abandoned by God, or c.) a frenzied combo of the two. It was a hard day for me, but it wasn't until two hours into the meet that I stopped letting that be an excuse for my poor attitude. I began to realize that I although I can't see it right now, God wants to bless me and not hurt me (Jeremiah 29:11), so this must be for my good. I struggled with that though, and stayed a little mopey all day-- which I'm not proud of.
I am struggling so much with trusting God in these moments, even though I know that these are the times when I am trusted with guarding my faith and standing strong. I also know that I don't have to do all this perfectly, yet I constantly forget these truths.
So what am I grateful for today? Good question........and yet, I know that this is probably the best thing for me right now. So here it goes. I'm grateful:
1. God forgives my mopey attitude, wishy-washy faith, and accusatory
2. My tendon should be back to its normal self next week, if God doesn't intervene sooner.
3. My joy doesn't have to rely on circumstances, running, or what others think of me