I've been angry. Downright grumpy and upset. In my head, I would be running and prepping for an amazing college season. Instead, I've been doing rehab and cycling, with extremely inflamed glute muscles and hopefully not a stress fracture. All week I have lived in this mindset that God was angry at me, that I had to DO something to get him to do what I wanted. Yet, I've been missing out on finding him in the midst of this. This morning, he showed me how prevalent grace is in my situation. I don't deserve healing. In fact, I really deserve pain and suffering and loneliness. But Jesus is with me and he has promised me good things. That is radical grace. And me? All I've been wanting is for God to do what I want, and nothing else. Just like the prodigal's son, I want the goods from my father and that's it. This morning though, God opened my eyes to something new.
My senior running season was a mess; it was awful and discouraging. As a result, I've started to run and look at running through a lens of fear and selfishness. I know God is in control and in complete abandon, I am choosing to give up my right to judge this situation by what I can see. In the meantime though, I don't want to be healed back to brokenness. I want to be running in joy and with a focus on Jesus and Jesus alone. I need not be afraid of all that other stuff that has taken the fun out of the gift God has given me. While I wait on his amazing grace, I will proclaim freedom over who I am. I'm not just a runner, I am a daughter of the most high and I will not be afraid.
If I truly believe that God is the creator of this entire world, if I really wrap my head around the concept that he is GOOD, then I have nothing to fear. This is my time to rest in his arms while he moves the world and moves in me.
When I return to running and receive the harvest that God has prepared in all areas of my life, I want to be a good steward of it. Part of that is knowing that my talent is for him alone and not for my glory and my selfish gain. Part of it is knowing that there is great joy in this waiting period, in this time with him. Although I can't change my whole mindset and make myself more patient; trusting; selfless; God centered; faithful; joyful; and graceful, I know that I can focus on my heavenly father during this time and my communion with him will align all those other things. What I can do though is command the fear out of my life. I will not allow the fear of what others think and of my own incapability stop the amazing things God has planned for my life. I will not let running become my life and lose sight of the reason I do it in the first place. While I wait, I can refocus on these goals and be prepared for the battle that lies ahead.
|Amen! The weight of fear and anxiety is lifted off of me and onto the son. |
I pray that you give me a vision of what you see for me Lord and of the way you love me. For I tend to get my vision of myself mixed up with yours. You are the God of grace, abounding in love. You not only CAN heal my body and my spirit, but you WILL. I am here daddy, and I am using this time to come closer to you and to the woman you've created me to be. I surrender in complete abandon and I don't have to worry anymore. You've got this, you are actively working and Jesus is interceding on my behalf. I can relax and enjoy this period of time, knowing that whatever you have planned for me is good. I know that you want to be glorified in my excellence in running, so I pray for that, as a desire of my heart. But I pray that my eyes will be stayed on you, knowing running is one output of my faith, but it isn't my faith and it's nowhere close to being the chief reason I'm here. I'm here to meet with you, be with you, and to show your love as a witness. You are so good. Nothing and no circumstance can change that. I believe you are good, I declare you are good. I will not accept the lies that say otherwise. I will not accept the fear that threatens to steal this sacred time I have with you. I love you daddy. You are marvelous in all your ways and I trust you.