A very trying week makes for a very inconsistent blogger. I have truly been a wreck trying to get school stuff done, and had a really difficult weekend. Unfortunately, my race yesterday alluded to something not working right in my body. My muscles haven't been recovering and I was exhausted within the first few minutes of the race, despite ice baths and easy rest on the days leading up to the race.
At first, I was really mad at God. I didn't understand why he has called me to running for him if he knows it will lead to so much pain. Then I became scared, wondering if I was just doomed to repeat the heartbreaking xc season I had this past fall. The truth is though, I know that God keeps his promises. That may be all I know right now, but I do know that. It is a huge test of faith because I love feeling God glorified in my running. Yet I know that he can be glorified when my muscles are shaking and I can't run like I usually am able to. It is all his. He can do with me whatever, and yet I trust that God will restore me. It's going to require a lot of hard work on my part, but I know that I am up for the battle. I am not one to shrink back (Life Verse: Heb. 10:39!)
So I sat on my bedroom floor today after church, just wondering where to go next. I can't tell you how loud that voice was screaming, "Give up! You want to give up!" But I knew I didn't, I just didn't know why. I was opening up a word document on my Netbook, when it froze. I waited a few minutes and suddenly, up popped a document that I hadn't seen since I wrote it last year: "My Running Motto." It's a declaration in the form of a corny poem. It wasn't meant to be eloquently written mind you. It was meant to send a message to myself of who I am and why I compete. What a God thing! When I was literally lying of the floor in despair, he reminded me in different words, the same message he'd uttered in church that morning, "I (God, that is) am not going to lose." And I, am not going to give up this fight-- this spiritual warfare-- I'm engaged in. There is a promise of God in Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, to give you a hope and a future."
God is right here with me. And if you are in the same disparaging situation: he is with you too. Take heart. We are more than conquerors and there is a larger scheme plan going on than we can even see through the current tears.
Thank you Lord.