Pinterest A Grateful Life Lived: Satire: How to make your flight a little more interesting

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Satire: How to make your flight a little more interesting

     With many people's minds focused on either spring break and travel, I couldn't help but think that such a post was appropriate.  Besides, we've all heard the outrageous airplane stories-- celebrity Words With Friends, girl walks into airplane propeller, child gets kicked off flight.  It seems that people are just bound to act a little crazy in airplanes, when they are often tired and loopy to begin with.  It seems logical then, that individuals would act even more bizarre when flying 30,000 ft. above sea level in a giant aircraft with people that they typically don't know.  At that point, there's not much they can do about it if you are a little weird.  Unless you are actually a danger, I'm pretty sure they are going to keep on flying-- but perhaps throttle the engine a little faster.  In that case, I'm sure you all are wondering what ridiculous things you may be able to get away with on a plane.  You just go book your ticket; I've already got the list for ya:

1. Wait for the last boarding call, then proceed to get on the aircraft and greet a random person every few rows by saying,  "in the chance that the plane goes down, tell my mom to excavate under the maple tree for further instructions and the escape pod instruction manual."
2. Ask the flight attendant for a blanket and pillow.  Then, create your own fort and loudly pronounce yourself, "Dictator of flight 320!"  (or whatever your flight may be.)  Take your airline flights and fling them at unsuspecting passengers with the declaration, "Prepare for battle stations!  We are at war!"
3. Pretend to fall asleep after takeoff and then begin murmuring "Princess Pony: I will follow you!" Say it a good eight or nine times.  As you do, progressively scoot closer and closer to your seat mate, and get louder and louder.
4. Pass along a Yes/No note to passengers, asking them to circle yes if they would like to participate in your 'High Flight Musical' that will be a surprise event during hour 2 of the flight.  If they say yes, start teaching them alternate lyrics to High School Musical songs.
5. As soon as the first "free to move about the cabin" light dings, get up quickly and yell "Alright!  Everybody up, time for calisthenics!"  Proceed to direct the passengers in stretching drills.
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6. Find passengers who are dozing off and stick a piece of gum in their mouth.  When they inevitably wake up-- if they choke, start the Heimlich, smile, and walk away-- say that you are testing out a new version of your homemade gum.  Do they like it?
7. Bring on board a jar of peanut butter.  Once the plane is in the air, open your jar, grab your spoon, and start eating your peanut butter with pronounced smacking and slurping noises.  If your feeling daring, bring a straw-glasses set (where the straw forms glasses and then goes into your mouth) and slurp jelly through it as you eat your PB.
8. If your lucky enough to get a window seat, get up with the explanation, "Oh MAN!  I HAVE GOT TO GET TO THE RESTROOM!"  After walking down the aisle a bit, return to your row and explain that you were wrong.  Repeat the process every five minutes.
9. During the promos for the in-flight movie, ask someone if you can borrow their headphones.  When you find someone who says yes, proceed to use them to scratch your bare foot-- that stupid foot fungus is coming back.  (RELATED: How to be awkward in the gym locker room)
10. Sit calmly in your seat and wait for any turbulence.  Then, begin violently shaking and sneezing at the same time.  Explain to any bewildered passengers that you are allergic to turbulence caused by flying unicorn collisions.

Hope your next flight is a little more interesting!  ....and if you get kicked off, I am immediately deleting this post so I can't be traced for blame :)

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