Pinterest A Grateful Life Lived: The woes of a high school runner

Monday, March 18, 2013

The woes of a high school runner

     If you are at all on the same wavelength as I, one of the first things that should come to your mind after reading that headline, is the disregard for runners in the rest of society (RELATED: How to anger a cross country runner).  An example of this disregard at its finest, is exemplified the day before or the day of a big meet.  Here's the basic gist: dedicated runner drinks their body weight in liquid ounces, and then sits squirming in their seat as the teacher begrudgingly lets them go to the restroom..again.  It may seem like a little thing, but as someone who hates the freezing chill and shaking teeth that accompany pre-race prep., I don't need any more difficulties!
     Understand, I'm joking by saying this.  I'm not really mad at teachers.  Rather, I think its funny because very few really understand that you would not ask to go to the bathroom two times in 45 minutes unless you were desperate enough to throw your dignity out the window.  I suggest then, that the running community unites and helps each other out a bit on this.  I have just the plan!

The Lowdown
Ever heard the joke that girls always travel in pairs?  Well the same can be said for runners.  No one wants to run into a half naked guy smoking a pipe and carrying a fishing pole, on their own.  Trust me, I've been there.  The pair philosophy also applies to the classroom or workplace.  You can't be the only Ostrich in a room full of sloths.  They will scoff in confusion when you begin gabbing about the latest elite record or your recent tempo run pace.  You need more Ostriches people! (RELATED: Ostriches.  This will explain the whole Ostrich thing:).
     Provided you have followed my advice and changed your class schedule-- blame OCD tendencies that make certain schedule paths very disorienting and disrupting to others-- discuss said plan with your fellow runner before a "situation" arises.  Finally, when its 98 degrees out and you have a meet after school, you will have your chance.  When you need to use the restroom, instead of alienating the running community even further from your teacher, give the secret sign to your Ostrich companion.  It could be as simple as the wink and twitch, but I would highly recommend the fishy-face-eyes-crossed look.  You will know exactly what that means.  Be aware however, sometimes it's confusing with the wink and twitch.  I've found it hard to distinguish between a sign and a weird facial itch.
     Once the signal is received, take action!  Walk up to the teacher slowly and start asking an in depth question about the concept your studying.  If you have no idea what your studying, bring up any in depth concept you've heard about that week.  With any luck, they'll be too caught off guard to realize that the significance behind stock improvements has nothing to do with Romeo and Juliet.  Captivate the teacher's attention and eyesight as your lanky running friend slips out the door to relieve him or herself.  Give them about two minutes to getaway, then release a scream and begin spinning around nervously.  "Oh no!  My friend has serious allergies and must have slipped out because he was about to throw up.  I'll go find and rescue him!"  Before the teacher has a chance to oppose your quest, scold the couch inhabiting sophomore who's eating a peanut butter sandwich, and dash out the door.  Sprint the nearest restroom and where your friend is waiting, and go to the bathroom quickly.  Then, grab your friend and run back to the classroom as your friend rubs peanut butter-- stash this away before you enact the plan-- on their hand.  Return to the classroom and await the cheers of everyone as you explain how you found your friend in the bathroom, hyperventilating as their throat closed in.  Tell everyone how you pulled out your EpiPen and treated the allergic reaction right then and there.  They will clap and you may have to sign a few autographs.  Make sure to draw little running symbols by your name.  The running community has got to build some cred.
     As the class shuns the confused kid who has long since hidden their peanut butter sandwich, thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers during your risky endeavor.  Remind them that you are a runner.  Then remind them again how you just saved someone's life.
     Problem solved!  You have efficiently relieved race day hydration overload and fostered love for runners everywhere.  Just make sure to use a different food allergy when you head on to Science and you have to pee again.

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